Friday, 26 February 2010

Therapy Session

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young Mothers and their small children. You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mum, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand and whispered,

'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willie up from school and go home.

Thursday, 25 February 2010

First Time Sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy. a 3-pack, 10- pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

Monday, 8 February 2010

Geordies are not stupid!!!

53,000 Geordies meet in St. James Park for a 'Geordies Are Not Stupid' convention.'

Alan Shearer addresses the crowd. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Shearer asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?' After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, 'Eighteen!'Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Shearer says 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.
So he asks 'What is 5 plus 5?'
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, 'Ninety?'

Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.

Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying. But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'What is 2 plus 2?'Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'