Don't Drink and Drive

With Xmas upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my fellow investors about drinking and driving. Don't do it! To be honest I have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several beers followed by some excellent red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a taxi home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadside check but since it was a taxi they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a taxi before, I don't know where I got it from, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it, if you hear someone has lost a taxi can you let me know.

Buffering

A man begins making vigorous love to his wife. After a few minutes he stops. "What's going on?" his wife says, "why have you stopped?". The replies, "It is a new technique I learned online. It's called buffering!".

Stress Management

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1.. Picture yourself lying on your tummy on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2.. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3.. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

There -- See? -- It really does work. You're smiling already

The Seven Dwarfs

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack. 'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?' Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?' The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them. Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?' The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .'

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?' The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting...... 'Grumpy shagged a penguin!''Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

Nominated as the best short joke of 2010

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet" she replied