Watch it and Weep

Will Ferrell's Harvard Commencement Speech - hillarious!

Part 1 of 5


Part 2 of 5


Part 3 of 5


Part 4 of 5


Part 5 of 5

Ten Great Cricket Sledges

With the Ashes warming up towards boiling point, here are ten of our all-time favourite sledges:

1. Rod Marsh & Ian Botham: When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my kids?". And Botham's reply, "The wife's fine but the kids are ugly and retarded!".

2. Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne: As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

3. Devon Malcolm bowling to Viv Richards. Devon - after beating Viv several times in one over "It's round and it's red, now try playing it!" Viv - having responded by hitting the ball out of the ground (the best possible retort of course!) "You know what it looks like, so you go and f***ing find it!!"

4. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad: During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed: "Tickets please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

5. Merv Hughes & Viv Richards: During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say f**k *ff."

6. James Ormond had just come out to bat on an ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh....... MW : "F*ck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for England" JO : "Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family"

7. McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan: "So what does Brian Lara's d*ck taste like?" Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife."

8. Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player (Adam Parore) comes to the crease playing & missing the first ball. Mark "Ohh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were sh*t then, you're fu*king useless now". Parore- (Turning around) "Yeah, that's me & when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly sl*t & now I hear you've married her.

9. Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times. Marshall : "Now David, Are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"

10. Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip,and right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly. "I should've kept my legs together, Fred". "So should your mother" he replied.

Got any more?

The Beer Scooter

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought 'How did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter.

The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices. The beer scooter works in the following fashion: The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.

It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?' Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This generates the third question after a night out 'What happened?' With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the EMIT (Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's EMIT is not necessarily the EMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained over a suitable period. Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences. With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered!!

For the family man, beer scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot Boots. These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the ring barked shins. The final add-in Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

And finally, there is the on-board heater which allows you to get home from the bar in sub-zero temperatures wearing just a t-shirt.

The New Union Jack

In Memory of Michael Jackson

A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder on Michael Jackson's Death.

....... .. . . .. ...
.. . . . . . . . . .. . .. .. .. .. . . ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
.. . . . .. . . . ..
... . .... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. . ..
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... ...

Wives...

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry


By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates


Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous


The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?
Dumas


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud


'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous


'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison


'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra


Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash


You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous


My wife and I were happy for twenty years.. Then we met.
Henny Youngman


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous


First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous

The moral to the story is...

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first...... Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex.... You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender..... 'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks.... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.

He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'


The moral to the story: Listen carefully to the directions, and don't trust your judgment when alcohol is involved!

Hopes Dashed

An Englishmen, Irishman and Scotsman...

­­­­­­­An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it," he chuckles. "my wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis!"

Message from The Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

How to make a woman happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13.. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol

Athletics Training in South Africa

Hitler finds out Michael Jackson has died

The Banking Crisis Explained

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent the money already.'

Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two dollars.'

Chuck became an investment broker for Goldman Sachs.