Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.
You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD -40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
Daily Thought:SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
Quantative Easing Explained
It is the month of August on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining and the little town looks totally deserted...
These are tough times, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.
He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.
The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.
The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.
The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town prostitute that in these hard times, gave her services to him on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms and leaves town.
No one earned anything.
However, the whole town is now without debt and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.
And that, ladies and Gentlemen, is how the United States, United Kingdom & Australian Governments are doing business today.
These are tough times, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.
He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.
The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.
The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.
The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town prostitute that in these hard times, gave her services to him on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms and leaves town.
No one earned anything.
However, the whole town is now without debt and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.
And that, ladies and Gentlemen, is how the United States, United Kingdom & Australian Governments are doing business today.
Monday, 7 December 2009
Man Rules
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "ON PURPOSE!
1.Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.We need it up, you need it down..You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail..
1. Ask for what you want.Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work!Obvious hints do not work!Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1.. If you think you're fat, you probably are.Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.Not both.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine..Really
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as FOOTBALL or motor sports
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
1.Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.We need it up, you need it down..You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail..
1. Ask for what you want.Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work!Obvious hints do not work!Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1.. If you think you're fat, you probably are.Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.Not both.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine..Really
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as FOOTBALL or motor sports
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
Blonde Moments
Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, ' Why are you throwing those nails away?' Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away'. Donna got completely upset and yelled, ' You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They ' re for the other side of the house!'
A blond was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, ' What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first. '
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos...... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.. 'What's that,' he asked?' 'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied. Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?' The blond replied..... ... 'Two popsicles and some coffee.'
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, ' What's the matter? ' The blonde replies, ' Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away. ' The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.' 'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.' The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.' What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay? ' he asks. 'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'
A blond was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, ' What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first. '
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos...... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.. 'What's that,' he asked?' 'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied. Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?' The blond replied..... ... 'Two popsicles and some coffee.'
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, ' What's the matter? ' The blonde replies, ' Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away. ' The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.' 'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.' The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.' What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay? ' he asks. 'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'
Thursday, 19 November 2009
Home Depot Scam Warning
With thanks to one of our American readers for bringing this scam to our attention - it could happen anywhere.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while outshopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are loading your purchases into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,20th, 24th & 28th. Also November 1st & 4th, 8th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. By the way: Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while outshopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are loading your purchases into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,20th, 24th & 28th. Also November 1st & 4th, 8th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. By the way: Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
