Stimulus Package

It is a slow day in the small Minnesota town of Marshall and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody is living on credit.

A rich tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to pay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Farmer's Co-op.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute.

The prostitute, who has also been facing hard times, has had to offer her "services" on credit. She rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the traveller comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything... However; the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a stimulus package works.

The Gay Flight Attendant

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said....

'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, B*tch'

Foot in Mouth

A man in Tesco's tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager 'Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'' Liverpool , sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Liverpool ?' the manager asked. The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Liverpool.'

''You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who did she play for?'

Therapy Session

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young Mothers and their small children. You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mum, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand and whispered,


'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willie up from school and go home.

First Time Sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy. a 3-pack, 10- pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'


The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'